I am completely and utterly disappointed in each and every one of you.

Over the past seven days, at least 24097731 news posts about Christmas were made. Do you know how many news posts about Kwanzaa were made during that same time frame? None.

Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Have you no shame?

To make up for the overwhelming lack of respect for Kwanzaa that I've witnessed on Newgrounds, this news post is dedicated to all those who celebrate this magnificent holiday.

It saddens me deeply that I've been unable to find others on this site who have the consideration to set aside some time to do what I've done. Hopefully, this exceedingly important message has taught you all a lesson that won't be forgotten.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to light my kinara.

It was so depressing, in fact, that I couldn't bear to look at it any longer! So here's a new one that's much happier. In fact, I hereby declare this to be... The News Post of Happiness!

Whenever a user leaves a comment here, I'll add a happy face to the picture below in a color of that user's choice. However, each user can only add one face, regardless of how many comments he or she leaves.

Addendum [12/24/09]: Due to circumstances beyond my control, you may now ask to have anything added to the below image, be it a happy face, a donut, a hammer, or whatever makes you happy! You may also ask for more than one thing. However, new things will only be added if they're specifically requested.

Now, let's make this the happiest news post on Newgrounds!

Update: To increase the happiness factor of this news post even further, I've added some orgasmically good music from an orgasmically good video game series.

For anyone who's interested, "Thoughts: Part 1" is available for your viewing pleasure and/or displeasure right here.

************************

I don't care if I end up with a job that some would describe as "minimum-wage," "undesirable," or "dead-end." I don't care about my "potential," whatever that is, that would be wasted as a result of my choice to commit myself to such a job.

All I'm really concerned with is being able to make a living that allows me to live my life as I want to live it: quietly, peacefully and comfortably. I don't want a wife and/or kids. I enjoy solitude, but I also enjoy spending time with my family. All I want is to be able to pursue my own interests, regardless of how small and insignificant they may be to others, while still enjoying my family's company and the joys of life in a comfortable environment until my time is up. This is what I want to do with my life, and by trying to continue with school, I'm wasting whatever time I have left to achieve what I want to before I die and leave this world, perhaps forever.

I'm extremely thankful for what I have. I am so unbelievably privileged; I can't be thankful enough for what I have: a nice home, modern conveniences, good food and water, a warm bed to sleep in. I have no physical handicaps; I can spend hours and days on end fooling around without any obligations if I want to. My parents are intelligent and have given me amazing guidance that I would be nothing without. The list of miracles goes on and on and on. This is the hand life has dealt me and I'm astounded by how good it is. I see others who aren't as fortunate, and while I feel for them, I know that their misfortunes are just a natural part of life. Life deals everyone a different hand, and I am so, so, so, so lucky to be where I am now, with what I have now. And this amazing fortune will likely continue for years to come. It's ridiculous, and it almost makes me feel shameful about my lifestyle, which some people would call extravagant beyond belief, even though it's nothing compared to the lifestyles of certain others. But this is life. I'm just incredibly, incredibly, super, ultra, holy-fucking-shit lucky, and I've accepted that.

I don't need anything more than what I have now; I'm perfectly content as is. Whether or not I'll be able to sustain this state with whatever money I manage to earn in the future, I don't know. This is my dilemma, and this is what's causing me to oscillate between the two all-important choices that have been eating away at me for quite some time: stay in school, do the fucking stuff, get that slip of paper and land a good enough job regardless of how stupid, racist, tolerant, or intelligent I am, or drop out and try to do my best with what I have.

I hate money, it corrupts and changes the way people think; it can turn an entertainer into a con artist, it can alter decisions and destroy countless friendships and lives. Unfortunately, it's here to stay. And so, I feel I have to do my best to save whatever I can, because by dropping out of school, I'm that much more uncertain of what the future holds. As sick as it sounds, I need money to live; everyone does, and that's never going to change, at least not in my lifetime. People who are born into great wealth don't concern themselves with such matters, as they don't need to. Despite my incredible fortune, I still yearn for the life of a rich person; carefree and happy. Such a person has no need to save; he can spend five thousand dollars on a flat screen TV and fifty thousand on a nice car without a thought. I don't need all that shit; I would take that money and dump it into the arms of the less fortunate. I need little to get by, and I have more than enough luxuries. By asking for any more than what I have now, I'm a greedy, self-centered dickhole. But still, I yearn. Deep down, I'm always going to want more. People always want more; it's human nature.

Even so, I will only acquire what I need to live out my simple life, in which I can have my fair share of pleasure, which I can perhaps share with others. Will I get what I want if I drop out of school? I don't know. It's a gamble, and a big one at that. And I'm no gambler. I prefer to do things the safe way. By that logic, I should just continue going to school. It makes so much sense, how could I possibly think otherwise?!

But do I need to go through all that? Do I need to do all that work and deal with all that stress and strife to fulfill my simple needs? It's a waste of four years of my life; going to class, scribbling down notes, taking them home and using them to complete assignments that don't apply to my goals for life, memorizing countless symbols and words over and over again until they lose all meaning and I realize that I'm not accomplishing anything other than spitting them out onto a piece of paper or a computer screen when I'm taking tests to try and prove to a few people that I can do what they say: I can memorize whatever they throw at me without giving a second thought to what I'm memorizing. I just want the magical degree, the magical potion, that little thing that will slide me down the throat and into the stomach of the world of "real" professions. Without that paper, it will gag and spit me out because I couldn't deal with the work; I couldn't do what I was told; I couldn't do it without questioning its purpose over and over until I got so sick of it that I quit, giving up my chance to go down the beaten path and instead deciding to pursue what I want to. Is this a good thing? Am I right? Many don't think so. But I think it's right for me.

I hate the risks, the inevitable uncertainty that couples what I want to do. Every path through life has its own risks, but the one I'm heading towards has far more than average. It's not something I'm accustomed to, but it looks like this is what I might end up having to deal with. For better? For worse? I suppose only time will tell.

Edit: What an awfully depressing news post this is. Oh gosh, I can't take it! I'm going to have to do something later to brighten this up a bit...

Edit Number Two: Is this bright enough for you?

"Nick and Stella" - An incredible tale of love, loss, and hardship that culminates in a breaking of the fourth wall and an acceptance of the harsh, stoic reality in which every human being lives.

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You.
You: Get in.
You: Now.
Stranger: NO!
You: Don't make me force you in!
Stranger: i will bite you
You: Pshhh. Like that'll do anything.
You: Get in.
Stranger: you promised me ice!
You: Ice?
You: Fuck ice.
You: Just get in, before I have to take action.
Stranger: what will you do if i get in the car?
You: Car?
Stranger: car
You: I'm talking about my vagina.
Stranger: or?
Stranger: ah
Stranger: ok ..
You: Now, get in please.
Stranger: there
Stranger: happy now?
You: Very.
Stranger: pleased?
You: Yes. Yes I am.
You: How long do you plan to stay in there?
Stranger: i dunno ... till you say i should get out
You: Well, I'm never going to say that.
You: Looks like you're trapped in there forever.
Stranger: -.-
Stranger: well it is warm here
You: That it is.
Stranger: and the blood i get once a month is enugh to keep me alive
You: I suppose it is.
You: But if you ever get really hungry, you could always eat some of that dead fetus.
Stranger: yeah .. and if i cut off the thing going to his belly i get much food
You: There ya go.
Stranger: mhhm, burgers?
You: I usually eat plstic, actually.
You: Tastes better.
Stranger: aww :(
You: Unlike this fucking piece of metal.
You: Which will now keep you company.
You: There.
Stranger: yaay i got a friend!
You: Would you like more friends?
Stranger: yes please!
You: Okay, cool.
You: Here's a plant...
You: And a bird...
You: And a cell phone, so you can call your loved ones.
You: Is that enough?
Stranger: PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!
Stranger: I WANT HIM!
You: Peanut butter and jelly? Okay.
You: Fortunately for you, I always keep no less than twelve jars of each with me at all times.
Stranger: can i get Rick Astley too?=
You: Rick Astley?
Stranger: so i can rickroll my friends ..
You: Sure, but I'm going to have to kill him first.
You: All right. Here he is.
You: Isn't it getting cramped in there?
Stranger: YUCK! Hes all messy!
You: Yeah, well, I had to kill him.
You: Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to fold him into a nice cube.
You: And then he certainly wouldn't have fit.
Stranger: Well, he was no fun ... Can i send him out again?
You: I suppose you can.
Stranger: Shall i send him up or down?
You: Hmm...
You: Send him up.
Stranger: Ok.. Here
You: Awesome.
You: Need anything else?
Stranger: I just started watching True Blood season 2 .. can i have a TV?
Stranger: or a computer
You: This might be a tight squeeze but okay...
Stranger: And some food for Mr. Bird
You: Okay, here's the bird food.
You: Now, the computer...
You: Urgg...
You: Pull on it, would ya?
Stranger: Ouch! It went in my butt ...
Stranger: ok i'll help
Stranger: *Nnnnnnnng*
You: Not so hard!
Stranger: *phew*
You: Ow!
You: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Stranger: Sorry!
You: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stranger: SORRY!
You: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Stranger: I'll stop!
You: NO!
Stranger: What happened?
You: You ripped it apart!
You: It's ruined!
Stranger: So i can get out?
You: Yes! Get out, and never come back!
Stranger: Now i wont get out ... not when you're like that
You: YES! DO IT!
You: And take all that other shit with you!
Stranger: NO!
Stranger: Dont call them SHIT!
You: Okay, that's it!
Stranger: they are my friends!
You: I'm coming up there!
Stranger: ARRRGH
Stranger: i have a sword!
Stranger: Dont get near me!
You: I didn't give you that!
You: What's going on here?
Stranger: I constructed it with the metal and the computer!
Stranger: and the bird ;(
You: Dammit!
You: I knew I shouldn't have given you that bird!
Stranger: Muhahahahah!
You: This calls for Plan B!
Stranger: No! you will never get me out!
You: Boy, I sure am glad this is the end of the month...
Stranger: AAAAH
You: Damn straight.
Stranger: i will stab your intestants! If i cant have you, no one can!
You: Oh yeah? You're too late, I'm afraid.
You: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
You: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
You: YEAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Stranger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You: Ha!
Stranger: So what do we do now? Will you report me?
You: Report you? For what?
Stranger: i dunno ... House invading?
You: Oh... hmm...
You: Well, I guess I can let that go.
You: But I absolutely can't forgive the damage you've done to my body.
Stranger: Want to go get an ice cream? I'll buy
You: Hmm... tell you what...
You: Get me a double choclate chip cone and MAYBE, just maybe, I'll forgive you.
Stranger: Done!
Stranger: Ehm.. I think i lost my money inside of you
Stranger: Can i go get it?
You: Oh dear...
You: Well, I guess you can give it a try...
You: Go ahead.
You: But be quick about it.
Stranger: *sigh* I already miss this place. ..
Stranger: I think i can feel it behind your kidney
You: You really liked it that much, huh?
Stranger: Yeah ..
You: You know...
You: If you have enough money...
You: ...We might be able to get it repaired.
Stranger: Hell yeah i got money!
You: You have four thousand dollars?
Stranger: Oh
Stranger: Well, i can sell my sword .. then i'll have 1,4 dollars more ..
Stranger: And of course the bird food ..
You: And the computer...
You: Hey!
You: If you sold all that stuff, you'd definitely have enough money!
Stranger: Yeah!
Stranger: I sure am happy you changed your mind!
Stranger: Here you go
Stranger: *cashing*
You: Great!
You: Now it's off to the hospital!
Stranger: Can i go with you?
You: Of course!
You: From what I've heard it's a relatively simple operation... it shouldn't take more than twenty minutes.
Stranger: Great!
You: ...Although...
Stranger: I'll steal some morphine so i can get high
You: It can sometimes be fatal.
Stranger: Oh no ..
You: But I'm willing to take that risk... for you...
Stranger: Thank you!
Stranger: Can you write that you will donate you body to me?
Stranger: If you die
You: Yes...
You: Yes... anything for you.
You: I...
You: I'm sorry...
You: ...for the way I acted before...
Stranger: You are forgiven. The past doesn't matter any more
You: Of course it doesn't...
You: And here we are...
You: At the hospital...
Stranger: Remember: Its called "Present" Because each day is a present
Stranger: :)
You: Yes.
You: :,)
Stranger: (from kong fu panda)
Stranger: Kon fu?
Stranger: Cong
Stranger: Con
Stranger: whatever... lets get on with the surgery
You: All right then.
You: If I'm in there for more than twenty minutes, I'm probably dead...
You: Wish me luck! .....
Stranger: Good luck honey
You: Thank you... :,)
You: See you soon... I hope.
Stranger: Wait!
Stranger: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT
You: Yes?
Stranger: I..
Stranger: I... I really think i love you
Stranger: Do you want to marry me ?
You: I...
You: Oh...
You: You... yes!
You: Yes I do!
Stranger: AHMYGOD
Stranger: We're gonna be so happy together!
You: Assuming I survive this surgery...
Stranger: You will ! You will!
You: Sniff...
You: You make me so happy...
You: I will survive!
You: I know it!
You: I'll see you in twenty minutes!
Stranger: The Flying Spaghetti Monster will watch over us
Stranger: Im a pastafarian
You: Really?
You: Me too!
Stranger: AHMYGOD!
You: This is so exciting!
Stranger: Well, get in there! And Pwn the surgery
Stranger: 20 min from NOW
You: Okay!
You: .....
You: .....
You: ... Wheeeee!
You: Success!
Stranger: YAAAY
You: I'm all better!
You: Now, about getting married...
You: Let's do that right away!
Stranger: YES!
Stranger: Lets do it in the church next to the hospital
Stranger: *You may kiss the bride*
You: Yes...
Stranger: Kiss
You: Kiss
Stranger: *DingDongDingDong
You: *Cheers
Stranger: Allright lets hit the road to las vegas!
You: I'll get the Ferrari!
You: *VROOOOOOOOOOM!*
Stranger: Wait! We gotta stop at the bank so i can take out 1 million dollars
You: You had one million dollars all this time?
Stranger: Out of the 10 million
You: TEN million?
You: ...Wow!
Stranger: Yeah, i got an insurance! On you
Stranger: That if your vagina and body was ruined, I would get 10 million dollars
You: That's...
You: ...That's amazing!
Stranger: Considerate?
Stranger: Yeah!
You: I love you!!
Stranger: I love you too!
You: All right, let's get going!
You: We're gonna hit the jackpot!
Stranger: YEs!
Stranger: Honey? I got something to tell you...
You: Oh?
You: What is it?
Stranger: When I was in your belly/vagina I ...
You: Yes?
You: ...What?
You: Is something wrong?
Stranger: I had to ... Pleasure myself .. and
You: ...And...
Stranger: I think
Stranger: I think something got away
You: W-What?
Stranger: I didnt wipe it all up
You: You...
Stranger: Im sorry!
You: W-Wow...
You: I... I can't believe this...
You: I've always wanted to have a child!
Stranger: Oh?
You: Yes!
Stranger: Then... we are OK!
You: Of course we are!
Stranger: I cant wait! Lets go to the hospital and get it out right away!
You: But... it hasn't been long enough yet!
You: Has it?
Stranger: We can just get an surgery! and then he will be 9 month older!
You: But of course!
You: What a wonderful idea!
You: Let's do that right away! Forget Vegas!
Stranger: Yes!
Stranger: But then we have to turn around .. Cause we are halfway
You: No problem!
You: There's a hospital at that rest stop over there!
Stranger: Oh! Thats convinient!
Stranger: And they have the best doctor in the whole world in there
Stranger: That specialises on fetus operations
You: Lovely! Let's do this!
Stranger: It will take 10 minutes though .. wanna get a slushie?
You: Sure! We can share one...
You: ...Together...
You: Oh...
You: You...
You: You're so beautiful, you know that?
Stranger: You too honey, you too
Stranger: While we wait ... Where are you from?
You: I'm from a far off land that many know of...
Stranger: Oh? How exiting!
You: Yes...
You: It's the incredible world...
You: ...Of Pokemon.
Stranger: OH
Stranger: MY
Stranger: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
Stranger: Are you serious!?
You: Yes. Yes, it's true.
You: I thought you knew...
Stranger: No! I didnt!
You: Oh...
Stranger: But thats AMAZING!
You: It is, isn't it?
You: And where are you from?
Stranger: I am from a place that is filled with unicorns and other Amazing creatures!
You: Wow!
Stranger: It is
Stranger: 'shroom town!
You: .....
You: I'm amazed...
You: No wonder you're so beautiful!
Stranger: My ansestors have used it for centuries and we just get more and more beautiful
You: Well, it really shows. :)
Stranger: But there is one thing ...
Stranger: Every half hour i have to eat one of these: PSILOCYBE CUBENSIS, PSILOCYBE MEXICANA, PSILOCYBE PELLICULOSA
You: Hm? What are those?
Stranger: And when i do that everything becomes coulorful and many creatures come out
Stranger: And i get more beautiful ..
You: Oh... I understand now...
Stranger: Is that ok with you?
You: Of course it is!
You: And I...
You: .....
You: ...Ow...
You: Ow!
You: H-hey!
Stranger: what is it?
You: M-My... belly! Ow!
You: I think...
Stranger: Is it something wrong?
You: I think the baby's coming!
You: OW!
Stranger: Oh!
Stranger: OH!
Stranger: DOCTOR!
You: It's... it's too late for that!
You: It's coming NOW!
Stranger: Arh!
You: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: What can i do!?
You: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: OMGAD I CAN SEE THE HEAD
You: DON'T LET IT FALL ON THE GROUND! DON'T...
You: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!
Stranger: What i didnt tell you was that i RULE in american fotball
Stranger: So it wont drop on my watch!
You: Good! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYAHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH!
You: Get... get ready!!
Stranger: So ... Is it out yet?
You: Just take a look!!
Stranger: I can see his wiener!
You: Hooray! It's a BOOOOYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
You: PULL! NOW!
Stranger: Im pulling!
You: Harder!
You: HARDER!
Stranger: NNNNG!
You: You can do it!
You: I know you cAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stranger: Its almost out!
You: HUFF PUFF HUFF PUFF...
Stranger: Breathe!
You: ONE MORE TIME! PULL!
Stranger: Come on! One more push!
Stranger: NOOOOOOW
You: UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAHAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAA AAHHH!!!!!!
Stranger: AHR
Stranger: ITS OUT
You: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
You: Oh...
You: Uh...
Stranger: Wha-what is this?
You: W-What?!
You: What is it??
Stranger: It's dead ... and have bitemarks all over it .. SOMEONE HAVE BEEN EATING IT!
Stranger: WHAT IS THIS
You: W-W-WHAAAAAAAT?!?
You: Oh gosh! Oh dear!
You: H-How? How did this happen?!?!?
You: Oh...
You: Quick! We must hide!
You: Someone will see us, and think WE killed it!
Stranger: Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit
Stranger: Let me get the shovel
Stranger: Y-you get the ropes and chainsaw
You: Y-Yes...
You: That's a better idea, actually... let's just get rid of the damn thing!
You: Here...
You: I can't bear the though of cutting it up...
You: Will you do it?.....
Stranger: I ...
Stranger: I dont know if i can ..
You: Well, we have to do something!
You: Oh, let's just toss it in the ocean!
Stranger: Lets put him in the driverseat of the car and push it out to an river
Stranger: and take some alkohol in is mouth so they will think he was drinking
You: Well, okay... as long as it's underwater so no one will find it...
You: OH GOD!!
You: P-POLICE CARS!
You: COMING OUR WAY!
Stranger: Oh shit
Stranger: Stay calm!
Stranger: I'll handle this
You: O-Okay...
Stranger: HIDE THE BLOOD!
You: Uh...
You: Uh... uh...
You: How do I hide it?! It's everywhere!
You: Wait! I know!
You: I'm sure glad I had that surgery!
You: I hope there's enough room in there...
Stranger: Hurry!
You: Almost done!
You: Where are the police cars?
Stranger: I .. Dont know
You: They're gone?
Stranger: I thought they were coming for us ..
You: Are you SURE they're not hiding somewhere?
Stranger: I dont know! There is some bushes over there but do you think?
You: ...It's... it's possible...
You: Oh, I'm so scared!
Stranger: Its gonna be allright.. Just.. Take the car! GET OUT OF HERE
You: But what about you?
Stranger: There is enugh money! I'll find you!
You: I can't leave you behind! Come with me!
Stranger: No!
Stranger: You must do this alone
Stranger: They are going to look for us
Stranger: I will lead them the other way
You: Oh...
You: Okay...
You: I'll go...
Stranger: GO! AND DONT LOOK BACK! I WILL FIND YOU!
Stranger: !GO!
Stranger: NOW
You: Okay!
You: I-I...
Stranger: I know
Stranger: I know
You: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS!
Stranger: I love you too...
You: *VROOM*
You: *VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM*
Stranger: * 3 years later *
Stranger: *dingdong
You: Uh...
You: Who's that?
Stranger: Honey?
Stranger: Honey? its me
You: That voice...
You: Oh! Oh my!
You: Could it be??
You: .....
You: YOU!
You: My love!
You: I don't believe it!
Stranger: YES ITS ME
Stranger: *hug*
You: Ohhhhhhh!
You: *HUG* *KISS* *KISS* *KISS* *KISS* *KISS* *KISS*
Stranger: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
You: Oh darling...
You: Where have you been?
You: The past three years of my life have been a living hell without you...
Stranger: I ... I had to do awful things
Stranger: But im with you now
You: Oh gosh... I've missed you so much...
You: What are we going to do?
Stranger: Remember... The past doesnt matter any more
Stranger: I ... dont know
You: Oh, yes...
You: Well...
You: What do YOU want to do?
Stranger: I see you have done a lot with the money .. How much do you have?
You: I still have at least two of the ten millions that were in the car...
You: I spent the rest on this lovely home...
You: But it's not just my home anymore...
You: It's yours, too.
Stranger: Oh, honey I am so happy!
You: I never thought I'd see you again... this is just unbelievable...
Stranger: I have to ask you something ... Have you been with other men?
You: No! Never!
You: You are my one and only!
Stranger: Thats good .. I was afraid i had to kill them all
Stranger: How... How old are we? I have lost track of time!
You: Oh... well, it's been three years...
You: I was 18 at the time...
You: I don't know how old you were, but you seemed a bit younger than I was...
Stranger: Well, it doesnt matter now that i have you here
You: No... it doesn't...
You: Let's just enjoy each other...
You: We can do anything you want...
Stranger: I want to satisfy you! Lets make love! We havent made love yet
You: Oh yes! I was hoping you'd say that!
You: Come on upstairs...
Stranger: Wow, a queen size mega vibrating bed!
You: Yes... it's... OH!
You: N-No! This isn't the right room!
You: Come! Let's go to another!
Stranger: Honey? What is this?
You: No! Nothing! It's all right!
You: Let's just go!
Stranger: Let go of me!
You: W-Why? There's nothing to see here!
Stranger: *slap* I DECIDE IF THERE IS ANYYHING TO SER
You: OH!
You: No!
You: Please!
Stranger: W-What is this?
You: No...
Stranger: Is this boxers?
Stranger: ANSWER ME
You: N-No?
Stranger: YES IT IS!
You: Oh gosh... oh dear...
Stranger: YOU SAID THERE WAS NO OTHER MEN!
You: I...
You: You have to understand!
Stranger: *slap* Shut up!
You: OH!
Stranger: I DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING
You: No!
Stranger: Where is he?!
You: He's not here!
Stranger: WHERE IS HE HIDING!? *slap*
You: OH!
You: I SAID HE'S NOT HERE!
You: N-No! Don't touch that! Put that baseball bat down!
You: W-What are you doing?!?
Stranger: I - SAID
Stranger: TELL - ME -WHERE - HE - IS
Stranger: NOW!
You: N-N-N...
You: No.
Stranger: NOW!
You: No!
Stranger: *slap*
Stranger: NOW!
You: STOP THAT!
Stranger: *slap*
You: YOU'LL NEVER FIND HIM!
Stranger: Tell *slap* Me *slap* NOW!
You: Uhhh... stop it...
You: I-I promised him...
You: ...that I wouldn't say...
Stranger: Woman, i swear, i will break your legs
You: OHH! STAY BACK!
You: DON'T YOU DARE!
You: PUT THAT DOWN!
Stranger: YOU SLUT! I LOVED YOU
You: I-I'M SORRY!
You: YOU...
You: You have no idea how lonely I was!
You: Please, just understand!
Stranger: What I did for you! And what do you do!?
Stranger: You go behind my back! YOU WHORE
You: Don't hurt me!!
You: STOP!
Stranger: SHUT UP
You: OHHHHHH!
Stranger: Now im going for him.. You stay here, you hear me?!
You: No! I won't... I won't LET YOU!
You: *PUNCH*
Stranger: W-what did you do?
Stranger: Im .. Im bleeding
You: You stay away from him!
Stranger: Are you crazy BITCH?
Stranger: Come here!
You: I'll hit you again! I mean it!
You: Stay back!
Stranger: Or what?
Stranger: What will you do?
You: Or...
You: Or...
Stranger: OR WHAT?=
You: .....
You: *click*
You: Don't do anything...
Stranger: Honey?
You: Or I swear, I'll shoot.
Stranger: Dont you think about it
You: D-Don't make me!
Stranger: Just - put the gun down
You: P-Put the bat down...
Stranger: Its ok, i wont hurt you
Stranger: Put it down
You: Put the bat down first.
Stranger: I wont put the bat down. You will drop the gun.
You: I-I can't... until you put the bat down and promise me you won't hurt anybody!
Stranger: Ok, its ok, here, look, its down
You: Okay...
You: The gun is down...
You: Now promise me!
You: Tell me you won't hurt anyone!
Stranger: I - I cant do that baby
You: You have to...
You: You have to!
You: Why can't you?!
You: TELL ME WHY!
Stranger: because he have hurted you baby, and now its time for him to dissapear
You: No...
You: You're wrong...
You: I was so lonely! You don't understand!
You: You can't hurt him! You CAN'T!
Stranger: Baby?
Stranger: Are you in love with him?
You: N-No! You're my only true love!
You: I just couldn't stand being apart from someone else...
You: Three years, darling... three years!
Stranger: Ok, Ok
You: It's such a long time when you're alone...
Stranger: Just put the gun down now
Stranger: Dont aim at me
You: It's down...
Stranger: Come here
Stranger: *hug*
You: O-Okay...
You: I'm so sorry...
You: *sniff*
You: *sob*
You: T-The past doesn't matter...
You: ...Right?
Stranger: Its the present .. that is why they call it that ... Its OK
You: Yes...
You: Let's just forget about this...
You: Let's move on...
Stranger: What will happen to the man?
Stranger: Are you going to see him?
You: I-I don't know where he went...
You: He's gone..
You: ...And out of my life forever!
Stranger: Thats good ...
You: I was a fool to give in to him...
Stranger: Oh i am sorry honey .. you have scares .. Im sorry
You: Please forgive me...
You: I only want you...
Stranger: Let's get rid of the gun .. and sell the house ... Just get away from here
You: Yes... let's forget this awful place.
You: Let's move to a place that's far away from here...
Stranger: How does Norway sound?
You: It sounds wonderful!
Stranger: With cold winters and beautiful summers
You: I-I don't want to stay here for another second...
You: Let's go. Now!
Stranger: Lets sell the house later
You: Later?
Stranger: We dont even have to sell it
Stranger: We can just leave this second
Stranger: Leave everything!
Stranger: Take the cash and just GO
Stranger: Are you with me?
You: O-Okay!
You: Yes!
You: YES!
Stranger: Where is your car?
You: In the garage... it's the same one... the Ferrari we were in three years ago!
Stranger: Oh, honey
Stranger: *vroom*
You: *VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*
Stranger: I know a man at the airport
Stranger: He can take us and the car
Stranger: There is one thing i didnt tell you ..
You: Oh? What's that?
Stranger: I am still wanted ... The awful things i did .. They will lock me away for years
You: Oh dear...
You: What exactly did you do?
Stranger: I .. I cant tell you that ... That is too much for you to carry
You: .....
You: ...Just tell me you didn't murder anyone.
You: You didn't... right?
Stranger: I ...
Stranger: I dont ...
Stranger: Honey ..
You: You didn't, right?
You: Right?
You: Please, no...
Stranger: I tried, Baby! I tried!
Stranger: I had to!
You: WHAT?!?
You: Why?
You: Why would you? How could you?
You: What happened?
Stranger: It was the only way!
You: The only way to do what?
Stranger: He wouldnt shut up .. He kept threatening me
Stranger: It was blackmail !
You: Who?! Who threatened you?!
You: Who did this?
Stranger: He deserved it
Stranger: .... Your ... Your
Stranger: Your father
Stranger: Im sorry baby
Stranger: Your father is dead
You: .....No.
You: I don't believe you.
You: What did this man look like?
You: It couldn't have possibly been him!
Stranger: I had to be.. He told me ...
Stranger: It just had to be
You: Did he have black hair?
Stranger: Yes .. I am sorry baby
You: Brown eyes?
Stranger: Yes. Just like yours
You: .....
You: No...
You: Did he have big, soft hands?
Stranger: I .. I dont know ... I only saw him once ...
You: Did he have small lips? Rosy cheeks? A scar on his left thigh?
You: It couldn't have been him...
Stranger: What is it honey?
Stranger: What aren't you telling me?
You: I just want to know if this man was my father...
You: ...That's all.
Stranger: Are you sure thats all?
You: Yes...
You: I still can't believe you, I'm sorry...
Stranger: Do you want to visit him?
You: Yes! Where is he? Do you know?
Stranger: Yes i know. But are YOU ready to know?
You: Yes! Tell me! Please!
Stranger: I dont know if i should. I contacted your mother. She told me everything ..
You: Everything about what?
Stranger: You know... What happened when you were young
You: ...N-Not...
You: Not that?
You: You know?
Stranger: Yes. I am sorry
You: Ughh...
You: I...
Stranger: Why didnt you tell me?
You: ...I didn't think you would approve...
You: I thought you would hate me...
You: Uh...
You: This pain...
You: I can't live with it any longer!
You: Darling...
Stranger: Its ok .. Im here now
You: Yes... you're here...
You: And I want you to be with me forever...
You: ...I want to...
You: ...end it all...
You: ...with you...
Stranger: Honey? are you sure?
You: This is just too much...
You: Even if we leave this place... this pain... it will always follow us...
You: It will get worse and worse...
You: And we will suffer... we will suffer as we are suffering now...
You: I want it to all be over...
You: But I need your help...
You: Come with me...
You: Please?
Stranger: I must think about it .. What about my family?
You: It's your choice...
Stranger: They have helped me so much over the years ..
You: If you don't want to, it's okay...
You: But if you don't, then I won't...
Stranger: This all have been so wonderful. I dont want to end it. The imagination. The awesomeness in what we are doing
You: Yes... I understand...
Stranger: What are we going to do? we cant keep this up forever ..
You: That's true...
You: But unfortunately, it's a fact of life that all good things come to an end...
You: And if we don't accept that, we will never truly be happy.
You: .....
You: I don't know what to say...
Stranger: I dont know what do do or say ...
You: Then perhaps it's best that we bring our existences to an end, since we have nothing left to do.
You: It's a sad thing, but it must be done at some point.
You: The longer we put it off, the worse we will feel...
Stranger: Honey ...
You: Darling...
Stranger: I love you so much
You: I love you too.
Stranger: I am sad .. But i know it has to be done
You: Yes... there is not much left for us in this world...
You: I'm afraid we can't perpetuate this any longer...
Stranger: Just ...
Stranger: Give me a name ..
Stranger: If we ever meet again
Stranger: Give me something
You: .....Okay.
You: I am Stella.
Stranger: I am Nick.
Stranger: I really hope we meet.
You: The feeling is mutual.
Stranger: Let us end this. Do you have what is needed?
You: Yes. Yes I do.
You: We're here, on the edge of the cliff...
You: Standing side by side...
You: Arm in arm...
You: Who will be the first to step forward?
Stranger: This has been wonderful.
You: I agree. This was a marvelous experience.
Stranger: *sniff* Will you go?
Stranger: Or should i?
You: I...
Stranger: It wont hurt
You: .....
Stranger: I hope ..
You: I believe you.
You: I'll do it...
You: Goodbye, Nick. You'll be in my heart forever.
Stranger: Do it when you are ready
Stranger: And remember me
You: I will. I always will.
You: And I hope you remember me too.
Stranger: Stella. What a beautiful name
You: *sniff* .....
You: Farewell, Nick. May we meet again someday...
Stranger: Goodbye.
You: .....
You: Goodbye...
Stranger: Oh, Stella
You: It's so hard...
You: But I think I'm ready now.
Stranger: I am with you. Always
You: And I am with you.
You: Always.
You: Farewell...
You have disconnected.

I just had one of the best masturbation sessions of my entire life.

There was just enough non-sexual filler in the beginning to build a sufficiently good setting and background story, but not so much of it that I got bored.

After that was taken care of, I rapidly progressed to the next phase, in which I underwent a series of small, but highly satisfying non-ejaculatory orgasms for a while. I had at least five of those.

I then felt that I was ready to let it all out. I branched off from the original storyline of my fantasy, "resetting" some things along the way, and got settled into the next chapter of my journey.

No more than ten seconds later, I climaxed at the perfect time, right when the intensity of this chapter was really ramping up. The mixture of feelings was so beautifully awesome that I involuntarily paused from bouncing up and down on my bed due to my inability to process the extreme amount of euphoria surging through my body. At least I think that's why it happened.

Anyway, it felt so damn good that I passed out on my bed after no more than what seemed like five minutes of resting in my ejaculate. This, ladies and gentlemen, is indeed masturbation at its finest.

About thirty minutes ago, I woke up from almost a full hour of undisturbed rest, feeling ridiculously pumped. I quickly realized that my heavenly experience definitely warranted a news post. So I cleaned myself up with great efficacy, and here I am, revealing the details of my rapturous masturbation session with you.

Of course, I haven't revealed all the details, which is why I'm offering a prize to the first person who is able to uncover this rather important one: What was I masturbating to?

Yes, what was the masturbatory fantasy that caused me to experience such an enormous amount of pleasure that I felt compelled to share the details of my progression through it with all you amazing creatures? That is what you must uncover, if you are to obtain the much-coveted prize of nine cents, which I willingly and gladly offer up in exchange for your successful efforts.

EDIT[11/2/09]: The prize is no longer available, as the contents of my amazing phallic experience have been revealed! However, since nobody actually won the nine cents, I shall save them for another occasion. Or maybe I'll just spend them on this truly beautiful object:

If you have no idea where I got that news post title from, then you probably haven't heard about this hilarious incident that happened not too long ago. (Video included!)

So, as the story goes, I got this incredible idea for a tribute to that momentous happening while in the midst of another project. Well, actually the idea was a lot more like a short, stupid game than a tribute.

Anyway, the point is, you can see it and play it right here, in all its glory!

No, the quality's not great; I made it pretty quickly since I didn't want to spend too much time away from my other project, but it ought to give you a good chuckle anyway!

All people complain about life being tough at some point. And it really can be. But almost always, those people who complain are the same ones who've created such tough circumstances for themselves.

Here's a good example. You work hard in school, you get good grades. You've always done this. It's probably gotten harder and harder, but you've managed. You end up with a high average and are able to get into an upper-level college. And of course, things get even harder from there.

At some point you realize, "Holy shit, what have I done? Why is everything so damn hard? What am I doing this for? What's the point? Will this really help me get a job so I can make money and support myself, so I can keep on living, so I can keep on encountering more obstacles?"

Once you've realized this, you'll probably think, "Hey, maybe I'm just a little out of it. After all, there are so many great things to live for, the good times, the good food, the rest, the fantasizing, the orgasms. Damn, life is good!"

But then you'll keep on thinking, and you'll come up with something like, "But why am I compelled to do all these things which seem unnecessary to me? I know what I want to get out of life, and all this unnecessary crap is getting in my way! I could get a job doing what I want and maybe even become successful with it if I could only have more time to focus on my interests, and not this fucking fuckbunch of fucking stuff that fucking drives me crazy! Fuck!"

And at this point, you'll lie down on your bed, or hammock, or floor, or on whatever gives you a decent environment in which to think about how great life would be if everything went your way. And you'll think.

But then you'll realize that having everything exactly the way you want it is an unachievable ideal, and you'll go back to thinking about why the hell you put so much effort into things that you think are meaningless and useless to you. And you'll say to yourself, "Holy shit, it's all my fault."

"I put in the effort, I did the work, I tortured myself for no good reason. What was I thinking?!? Why'd I pull such good grades? I worked hard...so I could be faced with more work? What the fuck was I thinking?"

And then, just for a moment, you'll think of the future. A future in which you can retire with a huge sack of money and spend the rest of your life doing whatever you want. A future where you can pursue your dreams for as long and as intensely as you desire. Of course, by that time, you're old. You're what 65, 68, 70, 75? God knows what the retirement age will be by the time you're all grown up. This makes you angry. "But I'll be old! I'll have lost a great deal of my cognitive function! I'll have wasted it all by working at my high-paying job that I don't like for 40, 50, who knows how many years! What have I done?"

Then, more bad thoughts cross your mind. Social Security. That magical source of income that you keep hearing about. Yes, the one that people are saying will be depleted before you're old enough to take advantage of it. This just makes things even worse.

"Oh god! No! I won't have any Social Security money when I grow old! Shit, I'd better work my ass off and get the highest paying job that I can! Shit! I should do this essay! I should solve these math problems! I should..."

You stop thinking. You realize that you've come to the conclusion that, yes, you were thinking correctly. By working hard for years and years in school, you can build up your credentials and get a great job that'll give you a massive income that you can wallow in when you're old and wobbly.

"What a fool I was!"

You get up off your bed, hammock, floor, or whatever you just wasted fifteen minutes of your life laying on, and sit down in front of your computer monitor. You restore your browser window, and what do you see? Math problems! Glorious math problems that challenge you to integrate the square root of some trigonometric function, that'll probably require some sort of substitution or technique that you don't know or remember. Yes! This is it! Find the answer and get a virtual point that will be stored in binary format on some server, and then used to calculate your final grade, which will determine whether you've passed the class, or failed it and wasted money that could've gone towards something else that you actually give a damn about.

Too bad this is how things work where you live. Too bad you've gotta take at least 128 credits to make it out of this place. Too bad that even though you didn't want to take this class, you took it anyway because you were undecided about your future and thought that learning how to do high-level math would prepare you for whatever you would eventually decide on. Too bad that - as it turns out - you're required to calculate something so seemingly insignificant as the arc length of the helix of a DNA molecule, even though it's been done eighteen gazillion times in the past. Sorry. This is what you have to do if you wanna make it in the world. Do something that's already been done over and over and over and over and over...because all that matters are your grades, and if you want good grades, you'd better get crankin'.

"W-What? Oh...oh fuck it! Yahoo Answers, don't fail me now!"

But, inevitably, Yahoo Answers will eventually fail you, and you'll be stuck on this problem which you feel you need to do because...

"Because it's all my fault! I put in the effort, I did the work, I tortured myself for no good reason. What was I..."

Yes, you've done it. You've gotten yourself into an endless cycle of thoughts that will probably do nothing but than frustrate you more than you already are.

Now stop. Don't think...yet. Let's try to figure out how different things would have been if you had made different decisions. Let's take a trip back through time, to a better time...at least I think it's a better time. It could very well be a far worse time. Well, regardless of whether it's better or worse, let's get going. After all time is money, and money makes the world go round, and if the world ever stops goin' round, everybody and everything will fly off into space and die. That sure would suck, wouldn't it? Yeah, fuck money.

Anyway, here we are! And...presto!

Things are different now. You haven't worked so hard, your grades ain't that great. But you're still a legit person, m'boy, and now your workload will be far lighter, and you'll still get a decent paying job that'll enable you to live your life as an independent human being. You'll have your own home, your own computer, your own bed, your own everything. Your life will fall into a routine that you'll grow very accustomed to, not that you haven't grown accustomed to it already. You'll spend your free time doing whatever you please, away from all those cool, tough looking people who make you uncomfortable. Nope, no drugs, or any shit like that. Just you and your quiet, seemingly innocent life. Women? Bah! They're overrated. What the hell's a woman gonna do for ya? Nothin'! You've got your bed and all your bed sheets, your imagination, your penis, and a 24-hour refractory period. Hell, that's good enough for you, am I right? Of course I am. After all, I'm you.

"Hey! This sounds exactly like the future I would've had if I had gotten good grades! What gives?

"Oh...wait! This is my destiny isn't it! Yes, this is what I want! Ha-haaaa! I don't need all that money! I'll be a minimalist! Hell, I'm already used to it! All I need is a quiet home with a nice bed, a computer, good food and water, and I'm set!"

"...Hello? Sorry to interrupt your fantasies, but you've gotta come back to reality m'boy. The helixes of those DNA molecules won't calculate their own arc lengths, ya know."

"B-But...but I don't want that life!"

"Sorry buddy, there ain't no backin' outta this one. It's far too late for that sorta thing."

"No!"

"Yep. Now come."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**********

Hey there! It's me! So, how'd it go? How were things different?

What? They were exactly the same? Huh. Well, that certainly does suck. Sorry buddy, I'm not really of any use to you anymore.

**********

And here you are, still complaining about life, still thinking that all this typing actually has a point.

You know what? I have a great idea. Why don't you just do the damn work? Don't worry about missing an answer or five, just get it over with so you can do better things with yourself. For fuck's sake man, snap out of it! You're wasting time, and time is money! MONEY! The primary purpose of your existence is to earn MONEY!

All this typing is pointless! It won't earn you any MONEY! Get it through your head! It has no point!

...Or does it? No, it doesn't! But...

NO!

I think it does! Fuck money! FUCK MONEY? Yeah, fuck it! For all you know, the world could end tomorrow! What's your money worth then, huh?

Quit getting off topic! All this shit doesn't matter! Stop saying that! It might! IT DOESN'T! BUT IT MIGHT!

AGHHHHHHHHHH!

Some people never learn.

Well, here I am, one step away from starting college. I'm gonna need a lot of time, a lot of energy, and about seventeen gajillion textbooks if I wanna pull decent grades.

With all this college stuff going on around me, I've been thinking about what I want to do in the future. Once upon a time, I thought I would end up doing something in a science-related field. But things are different now.

I'm really getting into Flash, and I feel like I may have a future in game design. I've always loved video games, and up until I got Flash and started learning AS3, I would mess around a lot with Game Maker. I've drawn up more than a few game designs in the past, but I was never able to bring any of them to fruition, due mostly to my inexperience and to the complexity/magnitude of said designs. Now that I've matured substantially, I'm better able to distinguish between the reasonable and the ridiculous.

That said, I'm going to try my hand at making a small game with Flash. Although college work will definitely hinder my progress, I hope to start and finish it fairly soon, but who knows what'll happen.

Anyway, that's enough rambling. Why is this news post so damn serious? Lemme fix that.

Also, for the record:

People who owe me nine cents:
Sinitech (Don't EVER make a bet with him.)
NeverHundred

People who I owe nine cents to:
Sinitech (Yes, it's true!)
7swords
flashwarrior

ALSO, CLICKING THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

Here they are!

Also, please check out this while you're at it!

Boy, I sure am glad I finished those tits! College is right around the corner for me, so things will undoubtedly get busy for a while. Like, really busy.

And...that's about all I've got to say. However, I'd hate to end this news post on such a sad note, so here's a joke!

What did the chronic masturbator say to the woman who yelled at him for exiting the bus too slowly?

"Keep your pants on lady, I'm getting off!"

HAHAHAHAHA!

And just in case that didn't make you laugh...

See ya!

Whatever you do, do NOT click this link! Seriously, it's hazardous to your health! Never, EVER click it!

However, this link is perfectly safe to click. In fact, I encourage you to click it! But make sure you DON'T click the other one. Please.

In other news, I will vanish off the face of the Earth for a few days, beginning August 12th. Not that it matters; not that you care. HOWEVER, I'm going to wager nine cents that this newspost does not surpass a total of TWO comments before I return. This will give a certain somebody the opportunity to regain the nine cents he never paid me (That goddamn cheapskate!) after losing a bet similar to this one. You know who you are!

In other OTHER news, oranges and their related beverages are awesome.

UPDATE: I've finally retuned. My fingers nearly broke off and my spine almost snapped in half, but aside from that, I had an excellent trip! And it seems that I now owe 7swords nine cents. Too bad that I'M FLAT BROKE. That freakin' guy really ought to get around to paying me, so I can pay 7swords!

ANOTHER UPDATE: Well, this newspost is so full of text that I figured I may as well include a pretty picture also. Here's a screenshot of a Flash project that I plan to release very very soon. I'll bet you can't guess what it's about!